Out of control

We took our children out for the day with another family yesterday.  Our two youngest children were very excited by the time we got to the entrance.  We had one of those scenarios where we were being stretched in three different directions. My husband was helping our eldest spend her 50p (she had brought in her purse), I was paying for our entrance tickets whilst the youngest two ran off down the corridor and into the museum on their own. When their Dad finally caught up with them he encountered two ladies who didn’t appreciate the presence of our children. Their “For goodness sake” comment as our children flew past them drew a response of “Have you got a problem with children?” from James (who never backs down from a verbal challenge), to which she replied “No, I have a problem with parents who can’t control their children!”

I am sure that this is a scene that is very familiar to most parents and it begs the question: is the aim of good parenting the ability to control our children?

Well, if we are to be measured by that standard then I’m afraid that we would be found failing.

Being a good parent is such a weighty responsibility. Unsurprisingly it can feel overwhelming when we discover that children are practically impossible to control. The times that I struggle are when I buy into the sales pitch that I should be controlling my children and that I am failing if they don’t do as I say, straight away.

A good friend recommended the parenting teaching of Danny Silk a few years ago. As I listened to his Loving your Kids on Purpose teaching I felt a huge sense of relief and hope. His premise is that the purpose of parenting is not to control our children but to build strong loving connections with them which we are to protect.  These heart connections are to be lifelong, trust filled, loving relationships between parents and children. The teaching includes practical ways that we can allow our children to think for themselves and to experience the consequences of their (sometimes poor) choices. Obviously it would be great to explain this to ladies that get cross with our children in public! I think that this is another example where what others think shouldn’t guide our behaviour.

Now, we are long way from parenting consistently using the tools advocated by Loving on Purpose and Love and Logic (which Danny Silk credits to be part of the source of his teaching). However, I know that my heart has recognized truth. My connection with my children is more important than their behaviour. Don't get me wrong, we want them to be well-behaved (and not too annoying around old people!) but I am trusting that as we try to allow them to learn from their own mistakes, rather than frightening them into not making any, we will encourage them to be confident, creative, brave and importantly, able to control themselves in difficult situations rather than needing someone else to be in control of them.