Out of control

We took our children out for the day with another family yesterday.  Our two youngest children were very excited by the time we got to the entrance.  We had one of those scenarios where we were being stretched in three different directions. My husband was helping our eldest spend her 50p (she had brought in her purse), I was paying for our entrance tickets whilst the youngest two ran off down the corridor and into the museum on their own. When their Dad finally caught up with them he encountered two ladies who didn’t appreciate the presence of our children. Their “For goodness sake” comment as our children flew past them drew a response of “Have you got a problem with children?” from James (who never backs down from a verbal challenge), to which she replied “No, I have a problem with parents who can’t control their children!”

I am sure that this is a scene that is very familiar to most parents and it begs the question: is the aim of good parenting the ability to control our children?

Well, if we are to be measured by that standard then I’m afraid that we would be found failing.

Being a good parent is such a weighty responsibility. Unsurprisingly it can feel overwhelming when we discover that children are practically impossible to control. The times that I struggle are when I buy into the sales pitch that I should be controlling my children and that I am failing if they don’t do as I say, straight away.

A good friend recommended the parenting teaching of Danny Silk a few years ago. As I listened to his Loving your Kids on Purpose teaching I felt a huge sense of relief and hope. His premise is that the purpose of parenting is not to control our children but to build strong loving connections with them which we are to protect.  These heart connections are to be lifelong, trust filled, loving relationships between parents and children. The teaching includes practical ways that we can allow our children to think for themselves and to experience the consequences of their (sometimes poor) choices. Obviously it would be great to explain this to ladies that get cross with our children in public! I think that this is another example where what others think shouldn’t guide our behaviour.

Now, we are long way from parenting consistently using the tools advocated by Loving on Purpose and Love and Logic (which Danny Silk credits to be part of the source of his teaching). However, I know that my heart has recognized truth. My connection with my children is more important than their behaviour. Don't get me wrong, we want them to be well-behaved (and not too annoying around old people!) but I am trusting that as we try to allow them to learn from their own mistakes, rather than frightening them into not making any, we will encourage them to be confident, creative, brave and importantly, able to control themselves in difficult situations rather than needing someone else to be in control of them. 

A moment of calm

Well, I've been thinking about it for a while and have finally got around to starting my blog. I also managed to sew the head back on my youngest daughters teddy but having found the missing leg from her doll now can't find the doll! That will be a job for another moment of calm. I am not sure what anyone will gain from reading my blog but I have decided that even if it simply serves as a way for me to process some of my thinking then it will be worth it.

How do you feel when someone takes a dislike to you? As a people pleaser this scenario has always presented a challenge for me, and I find that as an adult the feeling of rejection is just as painful. So what do I do about it? I have had to face this recently. And so I have been thinking a lot about how I respond. I remembered the verses from Matthew where Jesus challenges his listeners to love their enemies and pray for those that persecute them. Now, the person I'm talking about is not my enemy, but it would be so easy to sink into judgment and criticism of her or self analysis and condemnation of myself, so I hold those verses and have spent some time praying for her and blessing her. It would be tempting to pray that God would convict her of any wrong attitude towards me, but I don't want my prayer life to look like control. God isn't interested in performing magic. He is interested in my heart.  So I speak out words of blessing over her and find that really it doesn't matter what she thinks about me but what God thinks about me.

I am so glad that God is after my heart.  I am so relieved that he looks at me as a loving Father rather than a strict headmaster. At the end of the school year I feel an element of relief that my children will have me as their biggest influence for a few weeks as I know my heart for them is full of love. (I do highly value their teachers and their input too!) As a parent, I get it wrong, a lot! But as I dwell on it I recognise that God wants to teach me in love, just like I want to teach my children ‘in love’. He wants me to learn and to grow but in the context of his love.

I struggle sometimes to trust God completely, especially with my children. There are reasons for this but I am learning that I need to lean in closer to God and see how he looks at my children. I have rediscovered the importance of declarations over the last week or so. I managed to find another moment of calm last week and my daughter and I escaped for a half hour bike ride. As I pedalled along the country path I declared aloud my belief that God's intentions towards my children are good. That His heart is full of love for them. On my return home I actually felt different, more peaceful. I am aware that I so often speak out words that hang in the air and leave a grim atmosphere behind. I really want to bring the opposite! I want my words to reflect my intention to be a source of hope and peace for my home. I'll keep you posted about how I get on with that!