calm after the storm

It makes me smile now to think how much I took my mum's love and efforts for granted as I was growing up. It is such a raw experience being a mum. It is so easy to get hurt. It hurts, when my children are ill, it hurts when they feel sad, it hurts when they reject me, it hurts when they make poor choices. It hurts when others harm them. It can sound so depressing.

Love is like that isn't it. It hurts. Many a poet has attempted to convey the relationship between love and pain. We love deeply and so we hurt deeply. But in the depth of relationship, built on real, sincere love,  the experience of life is the richest. So in the challenges of parenting I am persuading myself to remain soft, to love deeply. Not to build up walls to protect myself but to build a strong connection with my children that will last a lifetime. This applies to my other relationships too; my marriage, my friendships.
When I consider my relationship with God, my heavenly Father, my guide and source of strength, my friend and saviour, I wonder at the pain that God must experience because of His choice to love. There is the obvious pain experienced by Jesus as he suffered beatings and cruelty and then was nailed to a cross and left to die. There is the history of rebellion against God by whole nations and billions of individuals and then there is the pain and sorrow that we inflict on one another.

Recently I learned how important it was for my daughter to realise that I could cope with her emotions.
I told my daughter about a big change that was going to take place for her and although she was at first calm, her anxiety began to build until she erupted into a torrent of anger towards me. She shouted and screamed at me and then eventually came the tears. When she had talked and got all her fears in the open she became calm and brave. I have been learning about Filial Play, which is training me how to have a special play time with my child (initially with my son), where he directs the play and I follow, attend, get involved. I don't educate, direct, ask questions or react emotionally to him. I remain calm and create boundaries allowing him to know he has safe, special time with me where he can express what he is feeling. One of the techniques that I have learned on the course is how to reflect emotions. And it is this technique that I used with Florence. I responded to her anger and abuse by saying "You seem to feel very angry with me about this" "You look like you want to shout and scream" "you are telling me that you are scared and that is ok" and so on. It was amazing the way it unfolded as it allowed her to know that I was listening and that I was aware of how she was feeling and that I could cope with it, which seemed to help her draw strength to deal with our decision.

Since then she has remained calm and positive and it is amazing to think that the emotional explosion ever happened. I am so grateful to be learning new techniques to help me build strong and loving relationships with my kids. I just need to be mindful of what I say!

Busy, busy, busy.

I’ve just finished reading a novel. That means I must have been on holiday, as that is the only time I get to read. We have just returned from a week in Scotland with friends and during the holiday there were various opportunities to sit quietly by the fire and read. As that scenario doesn’t occur often at home it was a precious time of relaxation and I have relished the chance to read. I love it when a book I enjoy also stirs thoughts that challenge the way I approach relationships and life. I find that Francine Rivers’ books consistently lead me to ponder and assess various aspects of my life. Leota’s Garden was no exception. Francine Rivers' books shine a light on relationships and lifestyle in such an insightful way.

I think the biggest effect of the book for me was igniting a desire for a simpler life. James and I just simply love getting away. James especially loves the mountains, I love to be beside the sea (side, beside the sea!) Why do we so appreciate the space and wonder of the rugged countryside? Can we bring some of the simplicity and freedom into our everyday lives? How has our family life become so hectic? James has a demanding job but he is in the right place at the right time so that doesn't seem to be the part to change at the moment. So looking at the rest of the family situation, what are the causes of busyness and stress? Well I have realised that I spend a lot of time taking the kids back and forth to after school activities. James and I really want to give our kids the opportunities, whilst they are young, to experience different hobbies to see which they enjoy. We had the best intentions when signing them up to these sports, dance and music activities and yet when I stop and think about the impact that these activities have on everyday family life it makes me wonder if we are doing the right thing. There is something about allowing our children to be children and to enjoy playing at home that is being lost in the to-ing and fro-ing of our busy weeks. My eldest said tonight as she was getting into bed that she never gets a chance to play with her teddies. Although this is not strictly true, I can see that with homework and the different activities in the week there really isn’t that much time to play.

I was thinking that maybe the Olympic fever had a bigger impact on me than I thought. I think I got carried away with the Olympic dream and the feeling that our children should be given every opportunity to be involved with sport. However, half a term in to swimming lessons, tennis lessons (which were requested but now hated) and dance lessons, I must confess that I am tired out with it all (and I think the kids are too!) I feel like we need to decide as a family if this is how we want to live life. I am hankering for a more simple life. Where we make more room for friends, play, bike rides, walks, games, books etc. I’ve made bread from scratch twice in 4 days and before that I’d never done it before. I always thought I was too busy!

Life is so busy. But am I busy with the right things? That is what I am churning over in my head at the moment. I want to spend more time with my oldest friends and want to spend time getting to know new friends. I want my children to have my attention and to feel loved by me. I want to go on more dates with my husband and to laugh more. I want to spend more time reading my Bible and reading novels too. I want to make bread and to make the blinds to go up in our bedroom. I want to visit my Nanny and take a trip to see my Nana and Grampa. Now I just need to work out how I am going to adjust my life so I can fit all this stuff in!  

Out of control

We took our children out for the day with another family yesterday.  Our two youngest children were very excited by the time we got to the entrance.  We had one of those scenarios where we were being stretched in three different directions. My husband was helping our eldest spend her 50p (she had brought in her purse), I was paying for our entrance tickets whilst the youngest two ran off down the corridor and into the museum on their own. When their Dad finally caught up with them he encountered two ladies who didn’t appreciate the presence of our children. Their “For goodness sake” comment as our children flew past them drew a response of “Have you got a problem with children?” from James (who never backs down from a verbal challenge), to which she replied “No, I have a problem with parents who can’t control their children!”

I am sure that this is a scene that is very familiar to most parents and it begs the question: is the aim of good parenting the ability to control our children?

Well, if we are to be measured by that standard then I’m afraid that we would be found failing.

Being a good parent is such a weighty responsibility. Unsurprisingly it can feel overwhelming when we discover that children are practically impossible to control. The times that I struggle are when I buy into the sales pitch that I should be controlling my children and that I am failing if they don’t do as I say, straight away.

A good friend recommended the parenting teaching of Danny Silk a few years ago. As I listened to his Loving your Kids on Purpose teaching I felt a huge sense of relief and hope. His premise is that the purpose of parenting is not to control our children but to build strong loving connections with them which we are to protect.  These heart connections are to be lifelong, trust filled, loving relationships between parents and children. The teaching includes practical ways that we can allow our children to think for themselves and to experience the consequences of their (sometimes poor) choices. Obviously it would be great to explain this to ladies that get cross with our children in public! I think that this is another example where what others think shouldn’t guide our behaviour.

Now, we are long way from parenting consistently using the tools advocated by Loving on Purpose and Love and Logic (which Danny Silk credits to be part of the source of his teaching). However, I know that my heart has recognized truth. My connection with my children is more important than their behaviour. Don't get me wrong, we want them to be well-behaved (and not too annoying around old people!) but I am trusting that as we try to allow them to learn from their own mistakes, rather than frightening them into not making any, we will encourage them to be confident, creative, brave and importantly, able to control themselves in difficult situations rather than needing someone else to be in control of them. 

A moment of calm

Well, I've been thinking about it for a while and have finally got around to starting my blog. I also managed to sew the head back on my youngest daughters teddy but having found the missing leg from her doll now can't find the doll! That will be a job for another moment of calm. I am not sure what anyone will gain from reading my blog but I have decided that even if it simply serves as a way for me to process some of my thinking then it will be worth it.

How do you feel when someone takes a dislike to you? As a people pleaser this scenario has always presented a challenge for me, and I find that as an adult the feeling of rejection is just as painful. So what do I do about it? I have had to face this recently. And so I have been thinking a lot about how I respond. I remembered the verses from Matthew where Jesus challenges his listeners to love their enemies and pray for those that persecute them. Now, the person I'm talking about is not my enemy, but it would be so easy to sink into judgment and criticism of her or self analysis and condemnation of myself, so I hold those verses and have spent some time praying for her and blessing her. It would be tempting to pray that God would convict her of any wrong attitude towards me, but I don't want my prayer life to look like control. God isn't interested in performing magic. He is interested in my heart.  So I speak out words of blessing over her and find that really it doesn't matter what she thinks about me but what God thinks about me.

I am so glad that God is after my heart.  I am so relieved that he looks at me as a loving Father rather than a strict headmaster. At the end of the school year I feel an element of relief that my children will have me as their biggest influence for a few weeks as I know my heart for them is full of love. (I do highly value their teachers and their input too!) As a parent, I get it wrong, a lot! But as I dwell on it I recognise that God wants to teach me in love, just like I want to teach my children ‘in love’. He wants me to learn and to grow but in the context of his love.

I struggle sometimes to trust God completely, especially with my children. There are reasons for this but I am learning that I need to lean in closer to God and see how he looks at my children. I have rediscovered the importance of declarations over the last week or so. I managed to find another moment of calm last week and my daughter and I escaped for a half hour bike ride. As I pedalled along the country path I declared aloud my belief that God's intentions towards my children are good. That His heart is full of love for them. On my return home I actually felt different, more peaceful. I am aware that I so often speak out words that hang in the air and leave a grim atmosphere behind. I really want to bring the opposite! I want my words to reflect my intention to be a source of hope and peace for my home. I'll keep you posted about how I get on with that!